A Convo With El & Lo: Tiny Pigs Kill Our Sanity

MINI. PIGS. They are smaller than a cat and a billion times more adorable.

Lauren: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218472/The-700-teacup-sized-pigs-latest-celebrity-pet.html
I NEED THESE IN MY LIFE.
Elizabeth: OH MY GOOD LORD
Lauren: I KNOW
NEED
Elizabeth: I COULD PUT IT IN MY POCKET
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: AND TAKE IT AROUND WITH ME
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: I COULD SEW A SPECIFIC TINY PIG POCKET ONTO ALL OF MY CLOTHES
Lauren: YES
Elizabeth: I COULD PUT IT IN TINY BOOTS
AND THEN LITERALLY DIE FROM THE CUTENESS
Lauren: Or carry around a teacup that has an image of you and that pig on it.
OMG TINY BOOTS
Tiny raincoats!
Elizabeth: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR
WITH TINY RAIN HATS
Lauren: YES
Elizabeth: I CANNOT HANDLE THIS
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: I’m not going to be able to get any work done now
Lauren: I KNOW
I expect one of these for my birthday.
Elizabeth: that’s cool
700 pounds is equal to what in dollars?
like $25
Lauren: Um….
I think it’s close to $1000
BUT IT IS AN INVESTMENT.
Elizabeth: oh, hmmmm
ask your parents
Lauren: In my happiness.

This isn't a minipig, but OMG PIG IN BOOTS!!

[A few days later]

Elizabeth: I NEED A MINI-PIG
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
I’d get him an entire mini rain outfit
also, I think I would name him Oliver
Ollie for short
“I’d like to introduce you to Ollie, my teacup pig. He is very prepared for a rainstorm.”
Lauren: I like it.
I’d name mine Tuesday.
Elizabeth: Interesting
I like it.
Lauren: I like that name.
Elizabeth: I wonder how hard it would be to get them to talk
Lauren: Hmm.
Only one way to find out.
Elizabeth: Call a mini-pig scientist
(OMG – I’d dress my mini-pig up like a scientist)
(DR. OLIVER MINIPIG)
(“Hey, there, minipig, whatcha doin’?” “SCIENCE.”)
Lauren: (YES)
Elizabeth: I would have so many costumes for my mini-pig
Old Timey Villain
Scientist
Rain outfit
ummm
Lauren: Villian is the best. You could give him a curlicue moustache.
Elizabeth: I KNOW
Lauren: Monoploly Man
Elizabeth: and a little pinstripe suit?
YES
Robot
Astronaut
Robot Astronaut
Lauren: School marm
Elizabeth: YES
Cowardly Lion
Lauren: SCHOOL BOY
WITH KNICKERS
Elizabeth: OMGSTFU
Lauren: Old timey shop keeper
Newsie!
Elizabeth: Ha!
Marie Antoinette
Lauren: (MORE KNICKERS)
Elizabeth: with the big wig!
and fancy dress!
and drawn on moles!!
Lauren: A member of Parliament
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: A member of Parliament Funkadelic
Elizabeth: Captain Ron
Lauren: BOOTSY FUCKING COLLINS
Elizabeth: PIG PIMPIN’
Lauren: Flava Flav
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin
John Adams
Elizabeth: Admiral in Queen Victoria’s Navy
Lauren: !!!
Elizabeth: I need a mini-pig, STAT
Lauren: You really do.
As do I.
Andy Warhol.
Elizabeth: OMG – I will happily become a crazy mini-pig lady
YES
Lauren: Liza!
Elizabeth: Salvador DALI?
Lauren: More moustaches! I love it!
Elizabeth: Captain Hook?
Lauren: Yeeeeeeees…
Smee!
(no moustache, but still!)
A Frenchman!
A German beer connessiour! With leiderhosen!
Elizabeth: I’M GOING TO DIE
Lauren: A geisha girl?
Elizabeth: yes?
a NINJA
Lauren: (I’m thinking tiny kimono)
YES
A Southern debutante
From the 1800s
Elizabeth: OMG – Gone with the wind
the entire movie
Lauren: Slash
Elizabeth: in mini-pig
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
Lauren: !!!!!
With a TIIIIIIIIINY GUITAR
Truman Capote.
Elizabeth: But a GIANT rock ‘n’ roll soul
heh
Lauren: DUH
The Bumblebee Man
Elizabeth: baseball player from the 1880s
Lauren: These possibilities are almost endless.
Elizabeth: gold prospector
Lauren: A bathing beauty from the 1800s!
Elizabeth: ANYTHING FROM THE 1800S
Lauren: The Swedish chef!
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: Betsey Johnson!
Don Draper!
(I’m losing my mind)
Elizabeth: (with amazing)
Lauren: Jimi Hendrix
CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO
Elizabeth: heh
Shakespeare
Lauren: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Amerigo Vespucci
Lauren: Julias Caesar!
Sid Caesar!
Elizabeth: Caesar Chavez?
Lauren: Caesar Chavez!
Elizabeth: HAHAHAHA
Lauren: JINX
Art Garfunkel
Elizabeth: Sir Edmund Hillary
Lauren: ?
Elizabeth: um, explorer
One of the poles…South? [ed. - Mt. Everest]
Amelia Earhart
Lauren: OMG
With a tiny little flying cap and goggles
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: Aladdin
(curlicue shoes)
Elizabeth: (perfect)
Rapunzel
Lauren: YES
Bill Gallagher
Gallagher!
(tiny watermelons!)
Elizabeth: Professor
tiny tweed jacket
and pipe!
Lauren: Hold on, I have to pee.
Too much lolz!
Elizabeth: MATADOR
BEN FRANKLIN
PILGRIM
Lauren: MATADOR!!!!
Elizabeth: I KNOW
Lauren: Old timey safari-goer.
Like Rudyard Kipling.
Elizabeth: Pith helmet!
Lauren: Monocle AND a tiiiiny rifle!
Yes!
Elizabeth: wizard
gypsie
Lauren: CHER.
CHER FROM THE HALF BREED COVER.
Elizabeth: FUCK YES
Lauren: Lady Gaga!!
Elizabeth: hahahaha

Kurt Cobain/grunge enthusiast
mini-combat boots!
Lauren: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Johnny Rotten
Joey Ramone
ELVIS
Buddy Holly!!!!!!
Lauren: Ha, I almost said Jonny Rotten before.
Courtney Love
Mini mary janes!
Elizabeth: Elton John
Lauren: OMG
A gang member from The Warriors.
Maybe a Furie…
Tiny baseball bat!
Elizabeth: yesyesyes
Willy Wonka
(gene wilder – not johnny depp)
Lauren: My brain is melting
Elizabeth: Wayne Gretzky
MINI-SKATES
and MIN-HOCKEY STICK
Gene Simmons in full KISS gear

…

Elizabeth: also, mini-pig costumes?
every outfit Bert wears in Mary Poppins
Lauren: OMG YES
Elizabeth: ONE MAN BAND
CHIMNEY SWEEP
Lauren: TINY BROOMS.

Seriously, there are no more words.

Half-Assed Baking with the Dirtiest Sounding Name in Junk Food

Hurhurhurhur...SPUNKmeyer...hehehehehehe...(we're 12, by the way)

Many moons ago when El and I were still in high school in rural Northern Virginia, we had a friend who worked as a Subway Sandwich Artist in even more rural Northern Virginia about 15 minutes away. Not having much to do, we would travel there to loiter, drink Dr. Pepper, smoke out back with said friend, and duh, eat free food. What made this Subway hundreds of times better than our local sandwich shop (besides the fact that we wouldn’t have to pay for anything) was that they served Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Don’t get me wrong: whatever the Subway brand is can be delicious. But you, my friend, have not lived until your friend has baked for you, for free, a fresh batch of white chocolate macademia nut cookies. Fresh made from premixed dough. My GOD, it was good.

 

See how cute and preportioned they are?? Bite size pieces for me to EAT, UNBAKED!

Fast forward to last week, when one of our sales reps came into the office with a giant container of Otis Spunkmeyer Triple Chocolate Chunk ready-to-bake-already-preportioned cookies that he got from a customer’s kid (he only bought it because he was trying to suck up). FOR ME (not to poop on). To say I was butt-stoked to the max would be a grave understatement. Because as much as I love to bake from scratch, sometimes half-assing it is the way to go. There was no doubt in my mind that these cookies would not compare to the ATK chocolate chip cookie recipe but would still be sinfully delicious in that “haha, I cheated” sort of way. The verdict: Yummmmmmm. They’re good in that movie popcorn sort of way. If you’re like me, you miss the Liquid Death they used to put on movie popcorn before people started caring about transfats and heart attacks and shit. But you know how GOOD it was, simply because it was a terrible processed food? Yeah, that’s what these are. And for that, Otis Spunkmeyer, I salute you. (You have no idea how many times I’ve snickered every time I’ve had to type “Spunkmeyer.”) Moral of the story? Next time one of those damn kids come around trying to sell this shit, BUY IT. It will tide you over til Girl Scout season starts.

 

Fresh out da oven! See the triple chocolate? Me neither! WOOT.

This one was my favorite. So I ate it! As I do with most of my favorite things.

Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld

Also, the audiobook is narrated by ALAN CUMMING. I think I might have to listen to this one, too.

Sometimes there is no sensible way to describe a book, or at least no way to describe it to get others to read it, or at least no one I know.  Leviathan is one of those books.  I’m going to post about it anyways – just because I loved it and hope that someone out there might pick it up – but I’m not holding my breath.  Unless you’re a fantasy nerd with an interest in steampunk and an appreciation for YA novels then I can’t imagine you’d get anything at all from this book.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic and has a great story and wonderful characters and a really interesting premise, but first you have to get past the hybrid animals and alternate history and the (gorgeous) illustrations – and I can only think of 2 people I’d even try to get to read this – one is my 9 year old brother and the other lives on the other side of the planet.

A synopsis is way too difficult for me to do, so here’s the jacket flap info:

It is the cusp of World War I, and all the European powers are arming up.  The Austro-Hungarians and Germans have their Clankers, steam-driven iron machines loaded with guns and ammunition.  The British Darwinists employ fabricated animals as their weaponry.  Their Leviathan is a whale airship, and the most masterful beast in the British fleet.

Aleksander Ferdinand, prince of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, is on the run.  His own people have turned on him.  His title is worthless.  All he has is a battle-torn Stormwalker and a loyal crew of men.

Deryn Sharp is a commoner, a girl disguised as a boy in the British Air Service.  She’s a brilliant airman.  But her secret is in constant danger of being discovered.

Of course that in no way explains the awesomeness that is Leviathan.  The two main characters grow so much, moving from a child’s black and white world to life as a shades of grey adult.   Alek is forced to go from child to adult overnight, not even given the time to grieve his parents murders because he’s fighting for his own life.  Deryn is brash and hilarious and really freaking good at flying and determined to do so even if it means lying about her gender – because staying home and being a good girl like her mother wants would be worse, it would be living a lie.  They are surrounded by great supporting characters who allow them to grow on their own for the most part.  And, oh man, the action in the book!  Battles and wars and crashes and chases and close calls and all that other fantastic stuff made reading this book easy and exhilirating.  My only complaint is the end, and that’s because Leviathan is the first in a projected series of books and now I have to wait for the next one to come out…in October 2010.  So, if you want something fast and fun and a little bit out there, or if you or a kid in your life really loved the His Dark Materials series, then do yourself a favor and pick this up.

An example of the super illustrations done by Keith Thompson.

OMG, The Unthinkable Has Happened…

Just a plain, unsuspecting cupcake...

...With a delicious fudgy center! I almost said something here about my cupcake wearing a trenchcoat, but that's weird...

…I’m sick of making banana bread. I KNOW, I KNOW. Also, there are the four horseman and locusts and an alleged remake of Drop Dead Fred starring fucking Russell Brand. I just…you know? I make banana bread ALL THE TIME. So I had to figure out something different. I Googled “banana recipes” but they kept talkin’ all this crazy talk about flambe and Bananas Foster. I was thinking a little more down-home. So in a fit of GENIUS, I took this cupcake recipe (sans chocolate chips) and some chocolate fudge filling (recipe to follow – keep your damn pants on!) and some peanut butter buttercream and went to Happy Town. Now, I fiddled with the cupcake recipe, subbing 3/4 cup brown sugar for the white. This was, in a word, stupid. They came out more muffin-y than cupcake-y, and while still delicious, when I make these again (which will be soon because I have half a recipe of the goddamn fudge filling left) I am definitely not messing with the sugar. NO SIR. The flavors meld together deliciously, the cupcakes are a snap to bake, you can make the fudge filling while the cupcakes are baking, and assemble it all while watching Community on NBC (which, are you watching this? It is fucking hilarious. Joel McHale needs to be my B4L [Bestie 3 Lyfe]). Now go make these before your period gets out of control. NOT TO SAY MINE DID. (It did and that’s kind of why I made these.) (TMI? My bad. I thought we were friends.)

 

Easy Chocolate Fudge Filling

• 3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
• 2 Tbl. butter
• 1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips (or 9 oz. fancy semisweet chocolate bar cut into easily meltable chunks)
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla

Melt the butter into the cream in a medium saucepan over medium or medium high heat. Let it form tiny bubbles but don’t let it boil! Remove the pan from the heat and add the chocolate, stirring contantly. When the chocolate has melted completely, add the vanilla. You can wait till it’s cool, but I prefer to fill the cupcakes when it’s still warm and let it harden up that way. But I am not here to run your life. This shit stays good in the fridge for 2 weeks, so you can dig in with a spoon whenever you please!

Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

I am one of the most emotional people ever.  If someone else is crying, there is a really good chance I’m going to end up crying as well.  I cried at the end of So You Think You Can Dance last night, and I couldn’t even stand Phillip, but he started talking about his dad that just passed away, and then Cat was all teary during the outro, and the next thing I know, I’m sniffling.  On the opposite end of the spectrum is my sister – the least likely person to cry ever – whose personal beliefs are that feelings belong on the inside and tears are a sign of weakness.  So, when she gave me a book recently and told me that I had to read it because it made her cry?  Oh, I was on that rull fast.

So, Firefly Lane, oh, what can I say.  I started crying about 50 pages in and by the time I finished the book, my eyes were so puffy I looked like a cartoon alcoholic.  It is the story of two opposite girls that become best friends and the life they end up sharing.  Tully is gorgeous and oozes charisma, but being abandoned by her drug addict mother has left her insecure.  Kate is a nice normal girl who finds herself friendless in that awkward middle school shift that can happen when everyone around you throws off childhood before you’re ready.  Tully moves across the street from Kate and they pair up, finding what they need in their opposite.

Of course, life happens and the girls change and grow and fight and reconcile and become women with careers and loves and through it all they have one another.  Until one day, they don’t.  All of the sudden, they aren’t best friends anymore – but life goes on.  And now they have to adapt to life without their constant companion.  This is as much as I’m going to say, and is what is revealed in the first two pages (so I’m not being an ass – calm yourself).

Now, Firefly Lane isn’t groundbreaking, it wasn’t a revelation, and there has been more than one movie with the same basic story.  But, man, Kristin Hannah does a freaking fantastic job of sucking you into Tully and Kate’s world and taking you through all of those emotions.  Which is good, because if she was a worse writer it would feel like cheap manipulation.  But, for me, so much of it rang true, even just the insecurities over little things, make-up or haircuts, or the comfort that can come from listening to a favorite song with a friend.  Basically, if you’re at one of those times when you need a big ol’ emotional cry fest, and you don’t feel like watching The Notebook again, grab this book and let the tears flow.  Just be prepared for some serious swollen eyes and a chapped nose.

It Was No Werewolf Bar Mitzvah…

…but  my Halloween was still a lot of fun. Big Easy and I traveled 3 hours south west [shudder] to our friends’ Emily and Bryan’s house for festivities. These two fools just got married in June and are already expecting their first baby (!!!), AND it was Emily’s birthday (we’d almost be twins were it not for the glaring differences in our appearence and if we were, you know, related). They live in a cute little neighborhood in delightful (and surprisingly delicious – there is a restaurant that serves only grilled cheese sandwiches!) Roanoke, VA, so it was a perfect place to take Big Easy out and maybe even dress up a little ourselves.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a weekend without some drinking for me. Continuing on the beer kick, I tried both Rogue Dead Guy Ale (which I just realized is a stupid hippie beer) and Shock Top Belgian White (not a stupid hippie beer). The Dead Guy, while seasonally appropriate (if you could separate the fact you’re drinking a beer named after the Grateful Dead), was a little dry for my taste. It was good, but I had 2 and it was more than enough for me. I like a little hoppy flavor in my beer, but this was a little out of control (OOC, if you will). It was tolerable, and I wouldn’t turn it down if offered, but I probably won’t buy it myself. Now, the Shock Top? I kind of want to marry it. It is deeeeeeeelicious. It had yummy citrus hints that weren’t overpowering, and it was totally refreshing, but not in a girl-drink-drunk sort of way. I highly recommend it.

So while I didn’t spend my Halloween like those in my past (read: plastered beyond belief), we did manage to have a blast. And when Emily and I took Big Easy trick or treating, we totally got compliments on our costumes too. Enjoy this brief photo gallery, documenting our weekend.

Big Easy was Optimus Prime.

dead – get it?!?! STFU, I thought it hilarious.)”]

Here I am, as a punk rock zombie. (Punk's not [un

Here's what Halloween is now - me getting drunk on baby brains, instead of bourbon.

Here's Magnum PI (the moustache is real, ya'll) and a Chola from East LA.

And here's Halloween from the past. I'm Courtney Love and that is a (fake) rat.

Zombies + Werewolves = A Halloweenish Chat with El & Lo

I am 99.99% certain this picture has not been doctored...

Lauren: FACT:
I am officially sick of The Who.
Elizabeth: Should I record that?
11/15/08, 3:37pm EST – The Who are done.
Also – everything by The Who?
Or just the CSI songs and Pinball Wizard?
Lauren: No, EVERY song they play on the radio. Including, but not limited to the CSI songs.
Elizabeth: Okay – so, I just went the The Who’s website
and – the header says “News from Pete Townshend, Roger Daltry, John Entwhistle and Keith Moon.”
UUUMMMMMMMM
Lauren: OMG
Elizabeth: I don’t think I want to receive any news from John Entwhistle or Keith Moon, seeing as they are DEAD
Lauren: MAYBE THE WHO IS NOW A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES
Elizabeth: That would be AMAZING
Lauren: But the Rolling Stones already have that market cornered.
Elizabeth: ba-dum-ching!

[And because it is Lo's bday and almost Halloween, here's the best song ever about supernatural Jewish rites of passage.]

Lo Does Booze: Strongbow Cider

Deeeeeelightful. Though not, unfortunately, Dee Lite-ful.

OH MAN. I always have mixed feelings about getting older because on the one hand, I’m a grown up, and that’s rad because I can have cake for dinner. But with great power comes great responsibility. This notion makes me uncomfortable sometimes. So I threw that notion out the friggin’ window on Saturday night, as a few friends and I celebrated my 28th year on this planet (a few days early) at a local watering hole that is reallllllllly fond of the Beatles. I don’t mind the Beatles, but there’s only so many times I can hear Hey Jude without wanting to pull my hair out. Luckily, my significant other informed me that our friend Phil would be bartending that evening in the upstairs part of the bar, which is like your friend’s awesome bonus room, except way bigger and with multiple pool tables. And Phil has awesome taste in music soooo…yay me! (I’m talking Christmas in Hollis here, and he even let his wife put on some Lady Gaga just for us!)

As it had been awhile since I’d had the pleasure of going out with friends, I was torn as to what I wanted. Phil generously offered Jim Beam, but seeing as that delightful concoction of bourbon and Coke gets me either hungover or pregnant, I decided to stick with beer. BUT OH SO MANY BEERS. This is a British pub, or, as close as you can get to one in the Capital of the Confederacy, so the options are all pretty decent. Maybe I’d go easy with some Yuengling. “Wait, no, that’s bullshit,” thought I to myself – it WAS my birthday celebration after all. “Mayhaps a yummy Harp!” I’m Irish, seems easy enough. But I wasn’t feeeeeeeeeeling the Harp. Boddington’s? Overrated.  So Phil suggested a cider I’d never heard of since I never leave the house – Strongbow. Um, yeah. It was fucking delicious. You know how Woodchuck is good, but after 1 or 2 you feel like you’ve been drinking carbonated apple juice because it’s SO SWEET? Yeah, this is the opposite of that. It was the perfect amount of sweet, almost like a beer, but with just enough apple-y flavor to call it a cider. I highly recommend it if you’re looking for something a leeeetle different. Plus, as Holly, Phil’s lovely wife, suggested you can mix it with Harp for a Snakebite and that shit will get you duh-runk. All in all it was a really fun night, even though I did still have a killer hangover the next day (I blame that on the Orange Crush I do not remember taking). And without further ado, here are some photos documenting the fun!

Egon and me, being all waste-y like. According to her, that's my "RuPaul" face. I was not offended.

Scoots is a real Ladies Man. He needs to preserve his reputation.

Okay. Less be rull surrius ferra minnit...

Bekah.)”]

See? It's working! Ladies Love Cool Scoots. (That's his lovely fiancee [fiance?

As Joe Pesci said in My Cousin Vinny: THAT'S THE CASE CRACKER, RIGHT THERE!

Fonzie thumb!!

Last call...HOO BOY.

Nobody Move by Denis Johnson

I really hope whoever bought the movie rights to this book gets Steven Soderbergh to direct, because reading Nobody Move felt like watching Out of Sight or Ocean’s Eleven, and I mean that in the best possible way.  I’ve read other books that felt more like reading a screenplay or script than reading a book (Hannibal by Thomas Harris being the worst offender) and absolutely hated it.  Instead of being able to slide into the story, I was constantly made aware of the fact that it was a story.  But Denis Johnson avoided all of that and instead did something amazing – he wrote a book that felt like a great heist movie and I loved it.

Jimmy Luntz is a loser with a past due gambling debt.  Gambol comes to collect for his boss, Juarez, and takes Jimmy on a little car trip.  In a panic, Luntz shoots Gambol in the leg and takes off with his Caddy and wallet.  He runs into the beautiful Anita, who would be out of his league if it weren’t for the fact that she’s just been framed by her husband and boss for embezzling 2.3 million dollars.  They take off together, trying to stay alive and avenge Anita at the same time.  The action jumps between the four main characters like the beginning of a Guy Ritchie movie, without the confusing accents.

I had a lot of fun trying to cast this movie while I was reading it.  I could see Casey Afflek as Luntz, and maybe James Gandolfini as Gambol – which seems a bit predictable but is totally how I pictured that character.  Denis Johnson just did such a great job describing everything, I could see the Caddy and the various buildings and landmarks – it really was like I was watching a movie – A WORD MOVIE.  And the plot was great, too.  Everything ended up fitting together nicely and there weren’t so many twists and turns that it became tedious (like Ocean’s Twelve – I still don’t understand the ending of that one.  Julia Roberts was pretending to be Julia Roberts but she didn’t need to because the egg was just a hologram??  I DON’T GET IT.)  From beginning to end, the story held my attention and it made sense the whole way through.  Which, after a lot of the books I’ve read recently, was really refreshing.

Let Me Eat (Birthday) Cake! (That Didn’t Come From a Store.)

I would not scoff if presented with this cake. So long as it didn't come from a store. I'm easygoing.

As I mentioned a little while ago, my birthday is in the fall. October 28, to be precise. I’ve always loved my birthday because it’s so close to Halloween, which is the raddest holiday out of the year (take that, Purim!). And also because, HELLO, it’s a birthday. Who doesn’t like birthdays? You get stuff and there’s CAKE! DELCIOUS CAKE. OF YOUR CHOOSING!! Now, I’m getting up there in my years (but will still be 30 later than El!), so it’s not like I get that much stuff anymore (though any relatives reading this are still more than welcome to send literal boatloads of cash. You have my address.), but I DO still get the cake of my choosing. Maybe you think I’d be picky about my cake, require some high-falutin’ Italian meringue buttercream concoction involving rosettes. Maybe you’re a dummy, or we haven’t met, because while I am picky about what I consume on my birthday, I don’t give a flying fuck about rosettes. Also, if it comes from a store, I probably won’t like it. Store-bought cakes are awful. Like, Brooke Hogan’s music career awful. If they are at a party, I will not eat them. That’s right, I’m THAT guy. (Gal.)

Mmmmmmm....real ice cream cake. Happy birthday to me, indeed!

HOWEVER. I do make a notable exception for the most delicious thing in the world: a Carvel ice cream cake. Note that it MUST BE Carvel. Other ice cream cakes will not do. Why? Because I am a pain in the ass. KIDDING! (not really) It’s actually because other companies seem to think that freezing a sheet cake and plopping some ice cream on top qualifies as an ice cream cake. These people are assholes. Carvel knows that ice cream cake is not actually cake at all, but rather cookie crumbles , then a layer of chocolate ice cream, more cookie crumbles, a layer of vanilla, and whatever crack-like frosting they put on the top. And don’t forget the highly personal “Happy Birthday!” message inscribed atop the heavenly confection, in gel icing that tastes like no other in the woooooooooooorld. [drool] Oh, and also you can get a genuine Carvel Fudgie the Whale cake, which is pretty much the best thing ever, unless you are pregnant and hormonal and when you try to consume Fudgie the Whale it just reminds you that you’re only in your 6th month of pregnancy and you’ve gained 35 pounds already and NOW YOU ARE FUDGIE THE WHALE. HAHAHAHA FATTY.

Not something for pregnant ladies with issues....

Ahem.

So. In conclusion, I am an easy person to please. So long as the cake comes from the freezer section of Kroger in a pink box labeled “Carvel.” Otherwise, consider yourself Soupy Sales-ed. BY ME. It’s MY birthday, after all.

I think I speak for most of us when I say, "RIP Soupy Sales. I thought you died 20 years ago. You had me fooled."