Booze Nooze (with Haikus!)

My new favorite breakfast - take that waffles!

Maaaan, I love the holidays.  I especially love it when friends come in to town because that means it is time to start drinking!  Last night our friend C and I went to a local pizza place (Fireworks – if you’re ever in the LoCo, you have to stop in.  I recommend the Baah Baah Black Sheep, either with or without the lamb sausage.  Balsamic glaze? Holla!) that happens to have an extensive and interesting beer menu.  They specialize in microbrews and limited edition or seasonal beers – fancy and very very delicious.  C and I sat outside under a little heater, catching up, singing along with The Band, annoying our waiter with our indecision, and drinking some truly spectacular beer.  Two of the four we tried were out of this world – Founder’s Breakfast Stout and Williamsburg Alewerks Brewmaster’s Reserve Bourbon Barrel Porter – substantial enough to make you feel like you just ate a sandwich with enough alcohol to get you buzzed from sipping.  They were basically perfect and I kinda wanted to crawl inside one of the bottles and take up residence.  If you can find either of these, do yourself a favor and get them.  You’re welcome in advance.

[And because we are awesome, here are some haikus we wrote about our drinks]

Founder’s Breakfast Stout

With coffee, oatmeal
chocolate and booze, this is
My complete breakfast

Oatmeal breakfast stout
I would drink you ev’ry morn
No scurvy for me

Bourbon Barrel Porter

Love in a bottle
I heart your sweet elixir
Run down my throat…yesssss

Joy beats in my heart
We drink with vim and vigor
Talk of now and then

Delirium Noel

The first (and only)
(Delirium) Noel tastes
of sweet fruits and hops

Coronado Brewing Company Red Devil

Western Red Devil
Promises both sweet and smooth
Finishes bitter

Beer and bourbon? I did not realize it was my birthday!!

A Convo with El & Lo: El Gives Amazing Gifts

I'm not exactly sure what is going on here, but I couldn't bring myself to put up a picture of either Cheney or a potato bug. Both give me the soul shudders.

Lauren: I should have gone into sales.
All the sales reps are here and now they get to leave and go golfing for the rest of the day.
Elizabeth: And you love golfing!
Lauren: IT IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER.
NEXT TO DICK CHENEY AND POTATO BUGS.
Elizabeth: You know what’s amazing?
Lauren: The miracle of life?
Central air?
Elizabeth: I trained potato bugs to golf while wearing Cheney masks for your birthday.
YOU ARE WELCOME
Lauren: YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
Elizabeth: I KNOW

What a Delicious Weekend…and it Ain’t Even Turkey Day Yet.

Thanks, zazzle.com! This badge represents me when looking at my blogroll.

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. I make good food sometimes. Yesterday, I needed to assemble a test panel for the pumpkin cheesecake I was planning on making for T-Day (which is in T-minus 4 days! SQUEE!). So I did. And the results were pure ambrosia, my friends (note: when saying “ambrosia” here, you have to roll your rrr’s, like a posh old-timey British man would. Also, look into wearing a monocle.) It was light, it was spicy, but best of all: IT WAS SOOOO EASY. I was very pleasantly surprised. I did, of course, up the spice quotient, and I would, for next time, definitely look into using the longer bake times because it kinda sank in the middle, but that was just more room for the frosting. Huzzah!

 

Sloooooooooow jamz for biscuit eatin'.

 

So yay for that. This morning I decided to make my new favorite biscuit recipe, from Dorie Greenspan’s Baking: From My Home to Yours. It’s a super-easy sweet cream biscuit, which means that the heavy cream stands in for both the fat and the milk. Well, the recipe calls for 1-1/4 cups cream and you usually need a twee bit more than 1 cup. Of course, me being me, I failed to check how much cream I actually had before starting this endeavor. I had precisely 1 cup. CRAP. As predicted, the dough was too dry. In all other circumstances, I would have had sour cream laying around but since I just made that blasted (fucking good) pumpkin cheesecake, I had no more. WHAT DO I DO??? I grabbed some whole milk and prayed to Jeebus that it would do the trick. OH. EM. GEE. The biscuits were perfect, in every way. They were light, they were fluffy, they were flaky. I’m posting for you the version of the recipe I used, with my tweaks and shit because I think my mixing method (uh, with a spoon) is better than the one in the book (sorry, Dorie!), where she says to toss with a fork. Try this recipe ASAP and wow your friends and family during the holidays this year. Or if you, you know, need to bribe them into helping you move or something. OH, also, my friend Katie had given me some delicious pear butter, which Big Easy and I slathered on said biscuits, but I don’t have the recipe. However, this one looks pretty good, if for no other reason than this site has never steered me wrong before. Or you could just find Katie and demand some from her. Anyway, Happy Breakfast!

 

Dorie’s Sweet Cream Biscuits That I Made Better

• 2 cups AP flour
• 1 Tbl. baking powder
• 1 Tbl. sugar
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 cup cold heavy whipping cream
• 2ish Tbl. cold whole milk

1. Preheat oven to 425.
2. Whisk together flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt.
3. Stir in cream, estimate how dry your dough is, then add milk accordingly.
4. Cut with a biscuit cutter or nearby pint glass devoid of last night’s alcohol into the size of your choosing.
5. Bake for 14-18 minutes.
6. Slather with the toppings of your choice and weep with delight.

 

Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

Identical twins freak me the eff out. I'm glad they don't air those Doublemint commercials anymore.

Okay, I’m going to write this pretending that you haven’t read The Time Traveler’s Wife and don’t already know how amazing Audrey Niffenegger is.  Because you have and you do, right?  And if the answer to that question is “no” what in blazes is your problem?  Why do you hate good things?  What is your aversion to a perfectly told beautiful story with an interesting premise?  This is why we can’t have anything nice.  Quit being a jerkass and go and read that book RIGHT NOW.

So, now that we’re all on the same page (pun INTENDED), Her Fearful Symmetry is just effing fantastic.  Not quite as perfect as The Time Traveler’s Wife, but pretty damn close.  Niffenegger takes some inherently creepy things – identical twins [shudder], ghosts, cemeteries, mental disorders – and twists them into something beautiful and morbid and vaguely terrifying.  You know how video of an accident can take on a sort of grace and beauty when shot in slow motion?  And you know it is going to end horribly but you’re fascinated and can’t stop watching, and you want to warn everyone involved but know that there isn’t a thing you can do to change the outcome?  And then the accident is complete and there’s that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize that part of you enjoyed the carnage and that you’re almost proud of yourself for not turning away?  That’s this book.

Her Fearful Symmetry is essentially about all the ways love can really really fuck you up and, occasionally, redeem you.  It is about life and death and all the ways they overlap.  It is about forgiveness and finding the breaking point in a relationship.  And it is about obsession.  It’s a Gothic suspense novel set in London’s Highgate cemetery, and while the reveals are somewhat predictable, the dread of knowing what’s coming and hoping you’re wrong keeps the story from going flat.  Niffenegger’s writing is wonderful, the woman knows how to craft a friggin sentence, how to set a mood, hot to give the reader character insight with a simple phrase, how to pace a plot to keep you enthralled until the last page.  She’s so talented I almost hate her.  With her first book she gave us a perfect love story, now she’s given us the perfect love gone wrong story.

I offer the reminder of this movie as my apology for that first picture. You're welcome.

Sometimes I Eat Like a 5 Year Old.

Well, Lo. It's an EXCELLENT blue cupcake. Congratulations! You passed the first grade. That's QUACKTASTIC!

And I’m okay with that. Look, El and I spend our days perusing our fancy food blogs, with their roux and their gruyere and their souffles and other fancy French-derived cooking and baking terms. We send each other the ones that stand out, with pipe dreams of actually making gnocchi from scratch and sauce made from the tomatoes we’ve grown, topped with parmesan from fancy Italian cows who ride on motorbikes and say “Ciao!”. Of course, we usually wind up getting a little Stumbelina instead and eating, like, cheese fries or something. I’m surrounded at this time of year by beautiful looking cakes and pies, golden turkeys, and even turnips turned into some sort of gourmet meal. SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR MAKING BLUE VANILLA CUPCAKES AND FROSTING THEM WITH THE FROSTING OF CHOICE FOR FIRST GRADERS. Oh, and filling them with chocolate because there’s no better way to spend a Monday night while watching the ridiculousness of One Tree Hill. I used this cupcake recipe along with this filling and the easiest frosting recipe in the world (which I helpfully listed below Chad Michael Murray’s furrowed brows and obese forehead). I asked my kid what color he wanted his cupcakes to be. He said green, and I said, “HAHAHA, too bad dummy, we’re out of green dye!” And then he said blue, so I said, “Okay.” And his mind was blown to have BLUE cupcakes. And then his dad got mad at me today because he was bouncing off the walls after eating one (and because he bounces off the walls anyway). So this holiday season, remember: There’s a time and a place to be fancy. Monday nights in your house watching One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl is not that time, nor that place.

Oh, CMM. How we miss your naturally furrowed brows in Tree Hill.

Really Fucking Easy Vanilla Frosting (for 12)

• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temp
• 2 cups powdered sugar
• splash vanilla
• 2-3 Tbsp. milk or cream or half & half or some such substance

Really? You need me to tell you what to do? FINE. Mix together the ingredients til it’s fluffy. Frost cupcakes. The end.

Mr. Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange

I love this cover. If I were to judge this book by its cover, I would judge it favorably. And that is why we don't judge books by their covers. Because covers LIE.

I don’t expect every book I read to be fantastic.  I read a lot of….well, crap.  There’s my Nora Roberts thing (yes, they’re delightful and readable and entertaining, but essentially crap), there are the random big name phases I’ve gone through – John Grisham and James Patterson and Nicholas Sparks, there’s all the random chick-lit I borrow from my sister – Sophie Kinsella and Emily Griffin and Jane Green. But, really, the pinnacle of my crap pile (eww) has to be my love of supernatural book series, or more accurately, supernatural romance books.  I don’t really have an excuse or explanation for it, but, damn, I love them.  Some are pretty decent (Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series), some are pure fluff and fun (Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse books), some are incredibly terrible but still addictive (Twilight, MFers!).  And then there are just really bad ones – and that is where Mr. Darcy, Vampyre fell.

See, I also have a little bit of a…not obsession per se, but…fascination with Pride & Prejudice.  I blame it all on Colin Firth.  And there are a ton of P&P reimaginings and “sequels” out there.  Most of them pick up right after the wedding and tend to go straight for the funsexytime, which can be…unsettling.  I think I’ve been able to actually finish only two of the eight bajillion (estimated) P&P sequels because most of them are horrible.  But, c’mon, can you blame a girl for getting a little stoked for the  combination of P&P and vampires?  I mean, look at the craze Pride and Prejudice and Zombies caused.  And zombies aren’t nearly as sexy as vampires (why hello, Eric Northman).

So, um, yeah, this book is just bad.  Poorly written in that trying really hard to copy Jane Austen’s voice but really just sounding like a jackass way.  The plot was annoying and it took foooooorever for anything to happen, and then, poof!  book was done.  And, seriously, if you name a book Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, you cannot spend 85% of the book with Lizzy not knowing he is a vampire.  Because the audience knows the entire time.  And there is no suspense.  And it makes one of literature’s great female leads (really, I effing LOVE Elizabeth Bennett and defend her as a great feminist character every chance I get) look stupid and weak and just horrible and annoying.  Also, the thing that makes a modern vampire book great is the explanations and changes they make to the vampire legend.  Don’t just haphazardly throw in every bit of vampire lore (including the bat thing, which, ugh, seriously??).  Eff it, I could go on a lot longer about how stupid this book was – but more than anything it was BORING.  Honestly, I was kind of shocked that I finished it.  And a little angry that I wasted time on it.  And a little sleepy, because it was so boring.  In short, the book sucked, and not in a punny vampire sort of way.

If We Took a Holiday (oh yeah, oh yeah)…

…took some time to celebrate (come on, let’s celebrate)…Oh, hey, what’s up? Didn’t see you there. Ahem. SO. It’s the holidays, aka My (second) Favorite Time of Year Since I Don’t Work in Retail Anymore. One of my favorite hobbies this time of year is sitting on my ass on Saturday and Sunday mornings and watching the Food Network’s barrage of holiday-related shows while covered in my own drool and thinking of all the amazing things I could be making (but then remember that it’s a lot fewer calories just watching Tyler Florence create THE MOST EFFING DELICIOUS LOOKING THANKSGIVING MEAL I HAVE EVER SEEN [Sorry Dad].) The way we do things in my family is Big Easy, Sig Ot, and I go up to their house for Thanksgiving and then they come here for Christmas. It’s nice because I don’t have to worry about cooking 2 meals, and neither do they. (Sig Ot would beg to differ because every year I have a meltdown on Xmas morning before the Fam arrives FOR NO GOOD REASON other than IT IS ALWAYS MY P-ROD [Sorry Dad.].)

Madonna is always seasonally appropriate in MY house.

Thanksgiving is always a traditional affair, which is nice because you know what to expect: amazing Dad-made turkey, glazed carrots, green beans, mashed potatoes (from a box!), apple pie. Just within the past couple of years, I’ve gotten them to venture out into the wonderful world of pumpkin, so we’ve had some pretty amazing pumpkin pies, and last year I made these chocolate pumpkin pie bars that if you haven’t made yet, GET ON IT! So simple, and a huge hit. But this year, I want to mix it up again by making a pumpkin cheesecake. My parents seem to fear change, so it was quite a shock when my usually “I only like plain cheesecake” mother called to tell me she had [gasp] TRIED pumpkin cheesecake. Srsly. My jaw had hit the floor and I passed out for a few seconds. Little did she know, I’d already been poking around on ye olde innernetz for a decent looking recipe. I have it narrowed down, but if anyone can suggest one they really love, PLEASE feel free to tell me. My sister hates cheesecake of any sort, but whatever. She also wears Uggs. In public. On purpose. Clearly, she is not of sound mind. (But I’ll probably wind up bringing up some cupcakes anyway JUST FOR HER.)

DO. NOT. WANT.

Now, I like to mix shit up. So when I host Xmas, I like to try new things. (Though my sister has threatened to murder me in my sleep if I miss out on making green bean casserole, so I always make that.) The first two years I hosted, I stuck with turkey (the second year I made it, it was totally undercooked and we had to nuke it and I almost had a nervous breakdown). Last year though…HOO BOY. I went all out because I had a craving for Beef Wellington. And MAN, was it ever fucking delicious. That, to me, is the cream of the crop of meat dishes, even with pate! Which, I know, ew! gross! liver! But with the mushrooms and the pastry and the tenderloin and I’m about to short-circuit my computer because of all the drool. It’s not an inexpensive dish to make, but SO WORTH IT. And it’s easy. Certainly easier than cheesecake. ANYWAY. I haven’t decided what I’m going to make this year, so I want all ya’ll maaaafaaaaaaas in the heezy to tell me what awesome recipes you have in YOUR arsenal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to watch this, one of my favorite Xmas song EVER.

A Convo With El & Lo: Tiny Pigs Kill Our Sanity

MINI. PIGS. They are smaller than a cat and a billion times more adorable.

Lauren: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218472/The-700-teacup-sized-pigs-latest-celebrity-pet.html
I NEED THESE IN MY LIFE.
Elizabeth: OH MY GOOD LORD
Lauren: I KNOW
NEED
Elizabeth: I COULD PUT IT IN MY POCKET
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: AND TAKE IT AROUND WITH ME
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: I COULD SEW A SPECIFIC TINY PIG POCKET ONTO ALL OF MY CLOTHES
Lauren: YES
Elizabeth: I COULD PUT IT IN TINY BOOTS
AND THEN LITERALLY DIE FROM THE CUTENESS
Lauren: Or carry around a teacup that has an image of you and that pig on it.
OMG TINY BOOTS
Tiny raincoats!
Elizabeth: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR
WITH TINY RAIN HATS
Lauren: YES
Elizabeth: I CANNOT HANDLE THIS
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: I’m not going to be able to get any work done now
Lauren: I KNOW
I expect one of these for my birthday.
Elizabeth: that’s cool
700 pounds is equal to what in dollars?
like $25
Lauren: Um….
I think it’s close to $1000
BUT IT IS AN INVESTMENT.
Elizabeth: oh, hmmmm
ask your parents
Lauren: In my happiness.

This isn't a minipig, but OMG PIG IN BOOTS!!

[A few days later]

Elizabeth: I NEED A MINI-PIG
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
I’d get him an entire mini rain outfit
also, I think I would name him Oliver
Ollie for short
“I’d like to introduce you to Ollie, my teacup pig. He is very prepared for a rainstorm.”
Lauren: I like it.
I’d name mine Tuesday.
Elizabeth: Interesting
I like it.
Lauren: I like that name.
Elizabeth: I wonder how hard it would be to get them to talk
Lauren: Hmm.
Only one way to find out.
Elizabeth: Call a mini-pig scientist
(OMG – I’d dress my mini-pig up like a scientist)
(DR. OLIVER MINIPIG)
(“Hey, there, minipig, whatcha doin’?” “SCIENCE.”)
Lauren: (YES)
Elizabeth: I would have so many costumes for my mini-pig
Old Timey Villain
Scientist
Rain outfit
ummm
Lauren: Villian is the best. You could give him a curlicue moustache.
Elizabeth: I KNOW
Lauren: Monoploly Man
Elizabeth: and a little pinstripe suit?
YES
Robot
Astronaut
Robot Astronaut
Lauren: School marm
Elizabeth: YES
Cowardly Lion
Lauren: SCHOOL BOY
WITH KNICKERS
Elizabeth: OMGSTFU
Lauren: Old timey shop keeper
Newsie!
Elizabeth: Ha!
Marie Antoinette
Lauren: (MORE KNICKERS)
Elizabeth: with the big wig!
and fancy dress!
and drawn on moles!!
Lauren: A member of Parliament
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: A member of Parliament Funkadelic
Elizabeth: Captain Ron
Lauren: BOOTSY FUCKING COLLINS
Elizabeth: PIG PIMPIN’
Lauren: Flava Flav
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin
John Adams
Elizabeth: Admiral in Queen Victoria’s Navy
Lauren: !!!
Elizabeth: I need a mini-pig, STAT
Lauren: You really do.
As do I.
Andy Warhol.
Elizabeth: OMG – I will happily become a crazy mini-pig lady
YES
Lauren: Liza!
Elizabeth: Salvador DALI?
Lauren: More moustaches! I love it!
Elizabeth: Captain Hook?
Lauren: Yeeeeeeees…
Smee!
(no moustache, but still!)
A Frenchman!
A German beer connessiour! With leiderhosen!
Elizabeth: I’M GOING TO DIE
Lauren: A geisha girl?
Elizabeth: yes?
a NINJA
Lauren: (I’m thinking tiny kimono)
YES
A Southern debutante
From the 1800s
Elizabeth: OMG – Gone with the wind
the entire movie
Lauren: Slash
Elizabeth: in mini-pig
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
Lauren: !!!!!
With a TIIIIIIIIINY GUITAR
Truman Capote.
Elizabeth: But a GIANT rock ‘n’ roll soul
heh
Lauren: DUH
The Bumblebee Man
Elizabeth: baseball player from the 1880s
Lauren: These possibilities are almost endless.
Elizabeth: gold prospector
Lauren: A bathing beauty from the 1800s!
Elizabeth: ANYTHING FROM THE 1800S
Lauren: The Swedish chef!
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: Betsey Johnson!
Don Draper!
(I’m losing my mind)
Elizabeth: (with amazing)
Lauren: Jimi Hendrix
CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO
Elizabeth: heh
Shakespeare
Lauren: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Amerigo Vespucci
Lauren: Julias Caesar!
Sid Caesar!
Elizabeth: Caesar Chavez?
Lauren: Caesar Chavez!
Elizabeth: HAHAHAHA
Lauren: JINX
Art Garfunkel
Elizabeth: Sir Edmund Hillary
Lauren: ?
Elizabeth: um, explorer
One of the poles…South? [ed. - Mt. Everest]
Amelia Earhart
Lauren: OMG
With a tiny little flying cap and goggles
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: Aladdin
(curlicue shoes)
Elizabeth: (perfect)
Rapunzel
Lauren: YES
Bill Gallagher
Gallagher!
(tiny watermelons!)
Elizabeth: Professor
tiny tweed jacket
and pipe!
Lauren: Hold on, I have to pee.
Too much lolz!
Elizabeth: MATADOR
BEN FRANKLIN
PILGRIM
Lauren: MATADOR!!!!
Elizabeth: I KNOW
Lauren: Old timey safari-goer.
Like Rudyard Kipling.
Elizabeth: Pith helmet!
Lauren: Monocle AND a tiiiiny rifle!
Yes!
Elizabeth: wizard
gypsie
Lauren: CHER.
CHER FROM THE HALF BREED COVER.
Elizabeth: FUCK YES
Lauren: Lady Gaga!!
Elizabeth: hahahaha

Kurt Cobain/grunge enthusiast
mini-combat boots!
Lauren: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Johnny Rotten
Joey Ramone
ELVIS
Buddy Holly!!!!!!
Lauren: Ha, I almost said Jonny Rotten before.
Courtney Love
Mini mary janes!
Elizabeth: Elton John
Lauren: OMG
A gang member from The Warriors.
Maybe a Furie…
Tiny baseball bat!
Elizabeth: yesyesyes
Willy Wonka
(gene wilder – not johnny depp)
Lauren: My brain is melting
Elizabeth: Wayne Gretzky
MINI-SKATES
and MIN-HOCKEY STICK
Gene Simmons in full KISS gear

…

Elizabeth: also, mini-pig costumes?
every outfit Bert wears in Mary Poppins
Lauren: OMG YES
Elizabeth: ONE MAN BAND
CHIMNEY SWEEP
Lauren: TINY BROOMS.

Seriously, there are no more words.

Half-Assed Baking with the Dirtiest Sounding Name in Junk Food

Hurhurhurhur...SPUNKmeyer...hehehehehehe...(we're 12, by the way)

Many moons ago when El and I were still in high school in rural Northern Virginia, we had a friend who worked as a Subway Sandwich Artist in even more rural Northern Virginia about 15 minutes away. Not having much to do, we would travel there to loiter, drink Dr. Pepper, smoke out back with said friend, and duh, eat free food. What made this Subway hundreds of times better than our local sandwich shop (besides the fact that we wouldn’t have to pay for anything) was that they served Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Don’t get me wrong: whatever the Subway brand is can be delicious. But you, my friend, have not lived until your friend has baked for you, for free, a fresh batch of white chocolate macademia nut cookies. Fresh made from premixed dough. My GOD, it was good.

 

See how cute and preportioned they are?? Bite size pieces for me to EAT, UNBAKED!

Fast forward to last week, when one of our sales reps came into the office with a giant container of Otis Spunkmeyer Triple Chocolate Chunk ready-to-bake-already-preportioned cookies that he got from a customer’s kid (he only bought it because he was trying to suck up). FOR ME (not to poop on). To say I was butt-stoked to the max would be a grave understatement. Because as much as I love to bake from scratch, sometimes half-assing it is the way to go. There was no doubt in my mind that these cookies would not compare to the ATK chocolate chip cookie recipe but would still be sinfully delicious in that “haha, I cheated” sort of way. The verdict: Yummmmmmm. They’re good in that movie popcorn sort of way. If you’re like me, you miss the Liquid Death they used to put on movie popcorn before people started caring about transfats and heart attacks and shit. But you know how GOOD it was, simply because it was a terrible processed food? Yeah, that’s what these are. And for that, Otis Spunkmeyer, I salute you. (You have no idea how many times I’ve snickered every time I’ve had to type “Spunkmeyer.”) Moral of the story? Next time one of those damn kids come around trying to sell this shit, BUY IT. It will tide you over til Girl Scout season starts.

 

Fresh out da oven! See the triple chocolate? Me neither! WOOT.

This one was my favorite. So I ate it! As I do with most of my favorite things.

Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld

Also, the audiobook is narrated by ALAN CUMMING. I think I might have to listen to this one, too.

Sometimes there is no sensible way to describe a book, or at least no way to describe it to get others to read it, or at least no one I know.  Leviathan is one of those books.  I’m going to post about it anyways – just because I loved it and hope that someone out there might pick it up – but I’m not holding my breath.  Unless you’re a fantasy nerd with an interest in steampunk and an appreciation for YA novels then I can’t imagine you’d get anything at all from this book.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic and has a great story and wonderful characters and a really interesting premise, but first you have to get past the hybrid animals and alternate history and the (gorgeous) illustrations – and I can only think of 2 people I’d even try to get to read this – one is my 9 year old brother and the other lives on the other side of the planet.

A synopsis is way too difficult for me to do, so here’s the jacket flap info:

It is the cusp of World War I, and all the European powers are arming up.  The Austro-Hungarians and Germans have their Clankers, steam-driven iron machines loaded with guns and ammunition.  The British Darwinists employ fabricated animals as their weaponry.  Their Leviathan is a whale airship, and the most masterful beast in the British fleet.

Aleksander Ferdinand, prince of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, is on the run.  His own people have turned on him.  His title is worthless.  All he has is a battle-torn Stormwalker and a loyal crew of men.

Deryn Sharp is a commoner, a girl disguised as a boy in the British Air Service.  She’s a brilliant airman.  But her secret is in constant danger of being discovered.

Of course that in no way explains the awesomeness that is Leviathan.  The two main characters grow so much, moving from a child’s black and white world to life as a shades of grey adult.   Alek is forced to go from child to adult overnight, not even given the time to grieve his parents murders because he’s fighting for his own life.  Deryn is brash and hilarious and really freaking good at flying and determined to do so even if it means lying about her gender – because staying home and being a good girl like her mother wants would be worse, it would be living a lie.  They are surrounded by great supporting characters who allow them to grow on their own for the most part.  And, oh man, the action in the book!  Battles and wars and crashes and chases and close calls and all that other fantastic stuff made reading this book easy and exhilirating.  My only complaint is the end, and that’s because Leviathan is the first in a projected series of books and now I have to wait for the next one to come out…in October 2010.  So, if you want something fast and fun and a little bit out there, or if you or a kid in your life really loved the His Dark Materials series, then do yourself a favor and pick this up.

An example of the super illustrations done by Keith Thompson.