Oops! Or How I Made Delicious Vegan Banana-Blueberry Muffins Completely By Accident

14 07 2009
Do you prefer your muffin buttered? Can I...butter your muffin?

Do you prefer your muffin buttered? Can I...butter your muffin?

I was going to start off this post by talking about awesome shit that I’ve made by accident. Then I realized this is the internet and my kid could read this someday. So I took it in another direction: Here’s the thing: my friends and I? We are distrustful of vegans, to say the least. Not only do they not make any goddamn sense whatsoever, they also almost always come off as self-righteous blowhards who would lecture you on the evils of eating a piece of warmed Brie. They just aren’t right in the head because WARMED BRIE, PEOPLE. Also, cheese of all types, hollandaise sauce, ice cream (srsly, Tofutti Cuties are not that good, especially when compared to Haagen Dazs Mayan Chocolate), and flax seed meal is gross. Now, this isn’t to say I’m some environment hatin’, whale killin’ nincompoop. I’m just too poor to buy organic. And I am soy intolerant, which is rad, because I don’t ever have to eat tofu! ANYWAY, that said, I have some vegan friends who are not self-righteous blowhards (but are not quite right in the head), and I like to make things sometimes that everyone can enjoy. So imagine my surprise tonight when I went to make these yummy muffins and I totally flaked and forgot to put an egg in there. Well, that wasn’t a surprise. I forget shit all the time. But the SURPRISE was that these can be made COMPLETELY VEGAN and are FUCKING DELICIOUS.  How did it happen? Shit if I know. I’m not a goddamn magician! Or FOOD SCIENTIST! Do I look like motherfucking Alton Brown? (If you say “Yes” I will punch you right in the gullet.) Point is, these muffins are good, so if you ever have some self-righteous blowhard vegan friends over for vegan cocktails, serve these vegan muffins and maybe they’ll spare you a lecture. Maybe. (Oh, also, for some reason, I always seem to have some sort of vegan milk product in my fridge. I do not know why. But that helps. Or you could just tell your vegan friends it was made with rice milk. I doubt they would notice.)

Banana-Blueberry Muffins (adapted from Betty Crocker’s Cookbook)

  • 2 cups AP flour
  • 2 tsp. baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 cup blueberries (oh, just go ahead and get fresh ones. They’re AMAZING.)
  • 1/3 cup milk (regular, goat, soy, rice -whatever’s clever. I had some rice milk hangin’ out, so I used that.)
  • 1/4 cup vegetable oil
  • 1 large egg (or not – it really doesn’t make a damn bit o’ difference. Really. You don’t even need substitute.)
  • 1/2 cup packed brown sugar (I used dark, but I think either will work)
  • 1 cup mashed bananas (about 2 medium-large)
  • splash of vanilla
  1. Preheat oven to 400. Grease muffin tins with spray, or whatever you usually use to grease your muffin cups. I’ll grease your muffin cups – I thought I was your Snack Pack! Wait, what?
  2. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl. Mix in blueberries.
  3. Using a stand mixer, hand mixer, or your own brute strength and a whisk, mix together remaining ingredients so they’re all nice and lumpy.
  4. Toss the dry into the wet and mix it up til the flour is damp (that sounds like an old-timey saying…) DO NOT OVERMIX MUFFIN BATTER. I AM NOT KIDDING. YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR ALWAYS, LIKE THAT STUPID TATTOO YOU GOT YOUR FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE.
  5. Divvy up the batter into the 12 muffin cups and bake away for 20 minutes. I like to rotate the pan once. But I’m not here to tell you how to live. Except when it comes to over-mixing the muffin batter.
  6. Let ’em cool for 5 minutes in the pan, then pop ’em out on to a wire rack and proceed to wow your friends. Just, if you have Kona over, don’t tell her that they’re vegan.




4 responses

14 07 2009

haha- oh, happy accidents! I forget who said that, but I think it was someone famous. Excellent post, my friend. I enjoyed this. And I’m not a vegan, but just out of curiosity…what do you have against tofu? What did tofu do to you? huh, huh?

14 07 2009

WELL, since you ASKED…Other than finding it completely vile in texture, I am allergic to it and it makes me feel like I’m having labor pains when I eat it. So THAT is what I have against tofu. It nassssssty! And makes me feel nassssssty, and not in a rad Janet Jackson way. BLECH. I don’t even like talking about it. It’s like the mayonnaise of the veggie world…

20 07 2009

Would you be having these blowhards over for cocktails and SCRABBLE???

21 07 2009


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