I’m Rull Fancy-Like. I Can Roast a Chicken.

31 08 2009
This is why we eat chickens. If we don't, they will eat our children.

This is why we eat chickens. If we don't, they will eat our children.

Have you ever dealt with a whole chicken before? It is fucking disgusting. I’m not a “farm person” and have no qualms about going to the grocery store and not even giving a thought to where my meat comes from because ALL the cows are like the Happy Cows of California, right? Right. Plus, chickens are vile creatures anyway and deserve to be eaten. BECAUSE THEY ARE DELICIOUS. Anyway. Man, let me tell you about roast chicken. It’s fucking good. You wanna know why mine is so good? BRINING. No, not briny – I don’t have my sea legs. Brining – when you dump some salt and sugar into a big ol’ pot with your chicken and let it hang out in the fridge for awhile (about 30-45 minutes). It’s probably the best decision you will ever make in your life. Not even lying.

Making a roast chicken is pretty disgusting and a little time consuming, but it’s simple. I like to make chicken on Sundays, because I like to have the illusion that we have “family dinners” instead of me cooking elaborate meals while the significant other goes to work and my child will eat nothing but canned green beans, cheese, and a cupcake. Also, I usually have time on Sundays. Saturdays I can often be found just a twee bit hungover, but Sundays are all good. So let’s say I want to eat at around….6:30-7. Then I would start brining at about 4:30. Here’s my process, step by step:

  1. Get all the nasty shit out of your chicken (about 3 1/2-4 lbs., right?), like the gizzard and the liver and whatever the fuck else Tyson is too lazy to remove.  I found that you don’t actually have to touch it. Just lift it up and let the carcass kinda…let go of it. Plop! Don’t look at it, it’s gross.
  2. Have your big pot ready. I put 1/2 cup of salt and 1/2 cup sugar in cold water and stir it all around to let it dissolve before I even touch the chicken to begin with. So maybe this should have been my first step. Oops. Well, I hope you read the whole thing before you begin. Anyway, put the chicken into the fridge with a lid on the giant pot.  Set your timer for at least 30 minutes, but no more than 45. Make sure you wash your hands because HELLO, SALMONELLA.
  3. In the meantime, get out whatever spices you want. I like garlic powder, rosemary, thyme (but no stupid parsley or sage. That shit is for suckers like Art Garfunkel), salt, and pepper. Then you want to mash it up with 2-3 tablespoons of softened butter. If you’re feeling particularly spry, you can get out your roasting pan. You need one of these for this. With a rack [insert joke about my boobs here]. Go hang out til the timer goes off.  When the timer does go off, preheat your oven to 375.
  4. Have bleach handy because you’re about to dump a bunch of salmonella water in your sink. FUCKING GROSS. So after you remove the chicken place it on the rack in the pan and pat it dry with paper towels. This helps it look rull purdy and brown. Then, shove the butter under the skin on the breasts where it’s divided by that weird bone-y, cartilage thing. Squish it all around to it gets all over the breasticles. Then melt some more butter, about a tablespoon or so, and spread it all over the outside of the bird. Dump 1 cup of water into the pan so the drippings don’t set shit on fire in your oven.Think about how weird that Peter Gabriel video was, with the dancing chickens.
  5. Put it in the oven for about 40 minutes and it looks nice and brown. Take it out of the oven, pump the oven temp up to 450, and insert your handy-dandy instant read thermometer into the thickest part of the bird. It is very helpful here. I cook my chicken to the veal setting, which is 165. If you don’t have an instant read thermometer, well, SUCKS TO BE YOU. But you could also cook it for another 30 minutes or so, depending on how your oven cooks.
  6. When it’s finished at 450, take it out and let it rest for about 20 minutes. It’s had a hard day. Let it take a load off, sit in an easy chair, read the paper. Then CUT IT AND EAT IT. And thank me profusely for teaching you how to cook a chicken. Your friends will think that you are supremely talented, and all the while, you’ll just be taking all the credit while I SUFFER FOR MY ART. Wait, what? HAHA, just kidding! Enjoy your food. Really.

A Chat with El & Lo – Hindsight really is 20/20

27 08 2009

I wonder if this is his murderin' face

Lauren: In other (not so) shocking news, rapper C Murder has been found guilty of, uh, murder.
Elizabeth: I bet his mother is regretting giving him that name now
Lauren: I bet so too.
She should have named him C Jewelery Store Robber.
Elizabeth: Or C Financial Success Through Legal Means
Lauren: Or C Accounting
Elizabeth: C Veterinarian
C Upper Level Management
C State Legislator
C Independent Bookstore Owner
C Commercial Pilot
Lauren: All of these would have been better names than C Murder.
But at least his name wasn’t Ivan.
Elizabeth: well, that would be ridiculous
Lauren: Certainly. But it would also have led him to a life of crime, according to some studies.

[UPDATE:  Because, seriously, we find ourselves endlessly hilarious, this is what happened after I posted earlier today – El]

Lauren:  That is, I believe, C-Murder’s murderin’ face.
I’d say let’s ask his murder victims, but, well, you know.
C Commercial Pilot.
Elizabeth: C Small Business Owner
Lauren: HA.
C Administrative Assistant.
Elizabeth: heh
Lauren: C Temp.
Elizabeth: C File Clerk
Lauren: C Underwriter.
Elizabeth: C IT Consultant
C Medical Transcriptionist
C X-Ray Tech
Lauren: C Machine Operator
C Wedding Singer
Elizabeth: HA
C Graphic Designer
Lauren: C Special Needs Teacher
Elizabeth: hahaha
C Principal
(or, more correctly, C PrinciPAL)
Lauren: YES.
Elizabeth: C Lunch Lady
Elizabeth: [stabstabstab]
Down in Luuuunch Laaaaadyyyyy Laaaaaaaaaaaand

What, Me, Creative? (Not Really.)

26 08 2009

Mounds....hehehehehehehe...oh, it never gets any less dirty.

Mounds....hehehehehehehe...oh, it never gets any less dirty.

I have been accused of many things in my day. Liar, thief, PROOOOSTITUTION WHOOOOOOOORE! Wait, no. Well, one of those things. Ahem. Anyway, I have never really been called creative. Because I’m not. But I always have awesome ideas. Why? I steal them from other people. Waitress dresses in 9th grade? Courtney Love. Hot pink hair freshman year of college? London, ’77. Having a baby out of wedlock? Well…uh…nevermind. POINT IS, I don’t just come up with recipes. I steal them. For example, last night I was poking around my cabinet and realized I was all out of vanilla. “FUCKASS,” thought I to myself, “How the hell am I supposed to bake sans vanilla??” Then I realized that I had my beloved coconut extract as well as 1 1/2 bags of pure black tar heroin. And by black tar heroin, I mean sweetened coconut. I am a coconut addict. You can get me to eat just about anything if it has coconut in it. I FUCKING LOVE IT. So after hugging it close to my chest and rolling around on the ground with it for awhile, I decided that the next best thing to a Mounds Bar (the dirtiest sounding candybar in existence, minus, say, Butterfinger) would be Mounds Bar brownies. So I made them. Make your favorite brownie recipe (mine is the ATK Bake Sale Brownies). Sub in coconut extract for the vanilla and toss a shit load of coconut on top. The stuff on top gets super awesome and toasted and the brownie is made from, uh-DOI, dark chocolate, so BOOM! Mounds Bar brownies. (Heh. Still sounds dirty.) Now don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.

BlahBlahBlah, Excuses, Excuses…

26 08 2009

Go here and read something I wrote (again) for someone else’s blog! Huzzah!

Things I Like to Do: Make Impressive Lunches for My Parents

17 08 2009
Courtesy of toothpastefordinner.com. And by "courtesy of," I mean I stole it because it made me lizz all over the place.

Courtesy of toothpastefordinner.com. And by "courtesy of," I mean I stole it because it made me lizz all over the place.

Okay, it’s not really that impressive, since they are pseudo-Italians. But they were impressed that it was so delicious since it didn’t have any of their blasted sausage in it. In fact, the whole goddamn thing was meat free! Why? I AM POOR, PEOPLE. SO, SO POOR. And I had an abundance of veggies thanks to this dude I work with, who owns a farm and brings us yummy fresh vegetables for nuffin’. The ‘rents came down yesterday to get their Big Easy fix, and I decided that I didn’t feel like waiting 30 minutes for a mediocre brunch or an hour for a very good brunch at a local restaurant. So I took matters into my own hands when they took the kid out for a nap-inducing walk and made a veggie lasagna. I basically follow the recipe on the side of the lasagna box, but instead of browning ground beef (or, blecch, sausage), I sauteed some green pepper, red pepper, onion, mushrooms, a yellow squash, and spinach. Then I mixed this in with my superduper top secret sauce recipe and BAM! Lasagna. Well, I mean, you have to boil the noodles and mix the ricotta and parmesan and actually, like, assemble it. But STILL. Pop that shit in the oven and prepare to wow a crowd. It ain’t difficult, and it’s a total crowd pleaser, even my parents, who I don’t think have really ever had a meal sans meat. I’m not going to repost the lasagna recipe here because, like I said, just use the friggin’ one on the side of the box. I will, however, let you in on my superduper top secret sauce recipe that I made up one day 5 years ago because I didn’t feel like waiting around all day for my dad’s sauce recipe to come to fruition. So, enjoy, because you can basically make this taste however you want. Oh, and also, I’m going to have to kill you now for reading the recipe since it IS superduper top secret. HAHAHAHA! JUST KIDDING! (Or am I???) (I am.)

Lo’s Superduper Top Secret Sauce Recipe

  • 1 can tomato sauce (I use Kroger brand everything. I’m mad cheap, yo!)
  • 1 can diced tomatoes (I use Italian style)
  • 1 can tomato paste
  • Sugar to taste (this is verrrrrrry important if you use that tomato paste, otherwise your sauce will taste like burning ass.)
  • Garlic (powder or fresh, depends on how lazy you are. I am very lazy.)
  • Salt ‘n’ pepa
  • Whatever herbs you feel like tossing in there. I’m partial to rosemary myself.

Throw that shit in a saucepan, mix it up, and let it simmer on medium low until your pasta is finished cooking. That’s it. I’m serious. Just don’t let it burn or else! Happy pasta days!

I’m Mad Neglectful, Yo!

17 08 2009

And here’s my half-assed post for today, but I PROMISE I’ll post something new and real very soon. In the meantime, here’s a little post I did on the worst thing known to man: mayonnaise. Enjoy!

Magic Hat’s Wacko – One Pretty Beer

6 08 2009
Yep, that's an Alice In Wonderland glass.  Lo gives rad Hannukah gifts!

Yep, that's an Alice In Wonderland glass. Lo gives rad Hannukah gifts!

I have a feeling that I’ve discussed my unwavering affection for a certain bourbon commonly referred to as Beam (and uncommonly referred to as “Poppa B” — though I’m going to work on that). Now, as much as I love Poppa B (see?), he and I can’t really hang out all the time. At least, not as long as I want to remain employed and housed. For the times I feel like drinking without getting wastey, I turn to wine and beer. Winters I tend to favor nice red wines, but summer is all about the beer. And, wouldn’t you know it, Magic Hat has created my new favorite beer ever in the world. Because not only does the beer make my taste buds cheer with joy, IT IS PRETTY.

Wacko  is made with beet juice which gives it a beautiful color and surprising taste. What starts out as a light, crisp beer finishes with a heavier earthy taste that fades into an absolutely delightful sweetness. It has enough hops that you know you’re actually drinking beer, but the beets balance it so the bitter isn’t overwhelming. It doesn’t sit heavy, so when you’re outside sweating, you can still drink enough to get a little Stumbelina. So, if you’re looking for a little refreshment this summer, find a grocery store that carries Magic Hat’s Wacko.  I recommend drinking it while reading Jitterbug Perfume, Tom Robbins’ ode to Pan, immortality, and beets.  And make sure you pour it into a glass at some point to admire the pink foam and lovely red color. Because on a hot day, a little pretty goes a long way.