Let Me Eat (Birthday) Cake! (That Didn’t Come From a Store.)

23 10 2009
I would not scoff if presented with this cake. So long as it didn't come from a store. I'm easygoing.

I would not scoff if presented with this cake. So long as it didn't come from a store. I'm easygoing.

As I mentioned a little while ago, my birthday is in the fall. October 28, to be precise. I’ve always loved my birthday because it’s so close to Halloween, which is the raddest holiday out of the year (take that, Purim!). And also because, HELLO, it’s a birthday. Who doesn’t like birthdays? You get stuff and there’s CAKE! DELCIOUS CAKE. OF YOUR CHOOSING!! Now, I’m getting up there in my years (but will still be 30 later than El!), so it’s not like I get that much stuff anymore (though any relatives reading this are still more than welcome to send literal boatloads of cash. You have my address.), but I DO still get the cake of my choosing. Maybe you think I’d be picky about my cake, require some high-falutin’ Italian meringue buttercream concoction involving rosettes. Maybe you’re a dummy, or we haven’t met, because while I am picky about what I consume on my birthday, I don’t give a flying fuck about rosettes. Also, if it comes from a store, I probably won’t like it. Store-bought cakes are awful. Like, Brooke Hogan’s music career awful. If they are at a party, I will not eat them. That’s right, I’m THAT guy. (Gal.)

Mmmmmmm....real ice cream cake. Happy birthday to me, indeed!

Mmmmmmm....real ice cream cake. Happy birthday to me, indeed!

HOWEVER. I do make a notable exception for the most delicious thing in the world: a Carvel ice cream cake. Note that it MUST BE Carvel. Other ice cream cakes will not do. Why? Because I am a pain in the ass. KIDDING! (not really) It’s actually because other companies seem to think that freezing a sheet cake and plopping some ice cream on top qualifies as an ice cream cake. These people are assholes. Carvel knows that ice cream cake is not actually cake at all, but rather cookie crumbles , then a layer of chocolate ice cream, more cookie crumbles, a layer of vanilla, and whatever crack-like frosting they put on the top. And don’t forget the highly personal “Happy Birthday!” message inscribed atop the heavenly confection, in gel icing that tastes like no other in the woooooooooooorld. [drool] Oh, and also you can get a genuine Carvel Fudgie the Whale cake, which is pretty much the best thing ever, unless you are pregnant and hormonal and when you try to consume Fudgie the Whale it just reminds you that you’re only in your 6th month of pregnancy and you’ve gained 35 pounds already and NOW YOU ARE FUDGIE THE WHALE. HAHAHAHA FATTY.

Not something for pregnant ladies with issues....

Not something for pregnant ladies with issues....

Ahem.

So. In conclusion, I am an easy person to please. So long as the cake comes from the freezer section of Kroger in a pink box labeled “Carvel.” Otherwise, consider yourself Soupy Sales-ed. BY ME. It’s MY birthday, after all.

I think I speak for most of us when I say, "RIP Soupy Sales. I thought you died 20 years ago. You had me fooled."

I think I speak for most of us when I say, "RIP Soupy Sales. I thought you died 20 years ago. You had me fooled."

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3 responses

28 10 2009
jenn

i’ve been seeing those baskin robbins “ice cream and cake!” commercials all over lately… and sorry. but nothing comes close to Carvel ice cream cakes! I am totally with you on the little-known deliciousness that can be found in the freezer section. i feel like buying one tomorrow to celebrate YOUR birthday! 😛 happy birthday btw….
hope you get to enjoy some carvel cake!

28 10 2009
Lo

I’m so glad you agree. Other people just don’t get the genius of Carvel. We’ve been a Carvel family for as long as I can remember, which works out in my favor because my mother should avoid the kitchen at all costs, and my dad isn’t much of a baker. CARVEL LOVERS – UNITE! (And thanks for the b-day wishes!)

28 10 2009
Susan

you and evan are bff soulmates. i almost had a fudgey the whale carvel ice cream cake shipped here for his 30th.

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