Mr. Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange

16 11 2009
Mr Darcy, Vampyre cover

I love this cover. If I were to judge this book by its cover, I would judge it favorably. And that is why we don't judge books by their covers. Because covers LIE.

I don’t expect every book I read to be fantastic.  I read a lot of….well, crap.  There’s my Nora Roberts thing (yes, they’re delightful and readable and entertaining, but essentially crap), there are the random big name phases I’ve gone through – John Grisham and James Patterson and Nicholas Sparks, there’s all the random chick-lit I borrow from my sister – Sophie Kinsella and Emily Griffin and Jane Green. But, really, the pinnacle of my crap pile (eww) has to be my love of supernatural book series, or more accurately, supernatural romance books.  I don’t really have an excuse or explanation for it, but, damn, I love them.  Some are pretty decent (Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series), some are pure fluff and fun (Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse books), some are incredibly terrible but still addictive (Twilight, MFers!).  And then there are just really bad ones – and that is where Mr. Darcy, Vampyre fell.

See, I also have a little bit of a…not obsession per se, but…fascination with Pride & Prejudice.  I blame it all on Colin Firth.  And there are a ton of P&P reimaginings and “sequels” out there.  Most of them pick up right after the wedding and tend to go straight for the funsexytime, which can be…unsettling.  I think I’ve been able to actually finish only two of the eight bajillion (estimated) P&P sequels because most of them are horrible.  But, c’mon, can you blame a girl for getting a little stoked for the  combination of P&P and vampires?  I mean, look at the craze Pride and Prejudice and Zombies caused.  And zombies aren’t nearly as sexy as vampires (why hello, Eric Northman).

So, um, yeah, this book is just bad.  Poorly written in that trying really hard to copy Jane Austen’s voice but really just sounding like a jackass way.  The plot was annoying and it took foooooorever for anything to happen, and then, poof!  book was done.  And, seriously, if you name a book Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, you cannot spend 85% of the book with Lizzy not knowing he is a vampire.  Because the audience knows the entire time.  And there is no suspense.  And it makes one of literature’s great female leads (really, I effing LOVE Elizabeth Bennett and defend her as a great feminist character every chance I get) look stupid and weak and just horrible and annoying.  Also, the thing that makes a modern vampire book great is the explanations and changes they make to the vampire legend.  Don’t just haphazardly throw in every bit of vampire lore (including the bat thing, which, ugh, seriously??).  Eff it, I could go on a lot longer about how stupid this book was – but more than anything it was BORING.  Honestly, I was kind of shocked that I finished it.  And a little angry that I wasted time on it.  And a little sleepy, because it was so boring.  In short, the book sucked, and not in a punny vampire sort of way.

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