A Convo With El & Lo RE: Faulty Logic

14 05 2010

So, unicorns are real too?

Elizabeth: So, I’m pretty smart
but there are a couple of things that kinda blow my mind
Lauren: Yesh
Elizabeth: one of them is Jello
Lauren: Magnets??
Oh
Elizabeth: haha, no
another is narwhals
Lauren: NARWHALS!
You know, Brian didn’t think they were an actual thing.
Elizabeth: haha, um, me neither
and then I was watching a nature program
that totally featured them
Lauren: Aaaand? What did you learn?
That you need one?
Elizabeth: yes
I learned that they actually exist
and their horns have lots of nerve endings and can sense temperature and currents and stuff like that to help them navigate
Lauren: Just like mine!
Elizabeth: wait, what?
Lauren: Oh, nevermind.
What else?
Elizabeth: um, they swim close together
but, back up a sec
do you have a horn?
a navigational horn??
Lauren: Umm…nnoooooooo.
Elizabeth: WHAT THE FRICK
Lauren: Um. This is awkward.
Elizabeth: It really is.
OMG
new band name
RAWKWARD
Lauren: YESSSSSSSSSSS
Elizabeth: I really need someone to fund a think tank for me
a think tank of awesome
Lauren: When I win the lotto…
Elizabeth: and, I’m thinking I want it to be an actual tank
Lauren: Well, yeah.
Elizabeth: either fish or military vehicle
I’m not picky
I can be like Sandy Squirrel
or Tank Girl
Lauren: I was thinking more like a Dunk Tank.
Or a Drunk Tank.
Elizabeth: haha
Lauren: (Which is jail, so nevermind that one.)
Elizabeth: I had a conversation with someone about how being in jail would probably be better than my current life
Lauren: Hmm.
Elizabeth: they have libraries
and my family can only visit me at specific times
Lauren: Ah.
Elizabeth: seriously
I’m pretty sure that qualifies as “livin’ the dream”
I could become a lawyer!
AND IT IS ALWAYS SOFTPANTS TIME
Lauren: Hmm.
Elizabeth: c’mon
that shit is awesome
Lauren: Yes, but…prison.
The only alcohol is prison wine.
Elizabeth: yeah, that’s a downside
Lauren: And the food is terrible.
Elizabeth: sure
but, laying in bed for like 20 hours a day reading sounds like the business
Lauren: You’d have to poo in full view of others.
Elizabeth: I’ve already thought of that
and I’d wake up in the middle of the night to go
Lauren: People are awake in the middle of the night in prison.
Elizabeth: but the lights are out
Lauren: They can hear you.
Elizabeth: I will sob loudly so they just think I’m having bad dreams
or scream hysterically
Lauren: Still, I’m not sure you’ve really thought this through.
Elizabeth: all I’m saying is, if it happened, I think I could roll with it
Lauren: And that’s a good outlook to have. Since you’re probably going upstate for all the swindling.
Elizabeth: truth

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A Chat with El & Lo: Lucha Libre’s New Stars

12 03 2010

Yeah, I'm reusing this picture. Deal with it.

Lauren: OH MAH GAH
It reeks in this office today.
Like rotten eggs.
I am going to die.
Elizabeth: GRODY TO THE MAX
Lauren: It is El Terrible!
OMG
Can that be your Mexican Wrestler name??
PLEASE???
Elizabeth: Uh-DER
and you can be LO SIENTO!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
Lauren: OMG
We need to make this happen, if only for photos.
Because, really, this is cracking my shit up right now.
Elizabeth: Ummmm
Lauren: Photoshop, then?
Elizabeth: this is going to happen
Halloween, mayhaps?
or I can try and find my mexican thumbwrestling masks
Lauren: YES.
I still have one…floating around my house somewhere.
FUCK. We are GENIUSES.
EL Terrible. LO Siento.
I love this.
LOVE. IT.
Elizabeth: hahaha





Lo Tries to Make El Feel Better

27 02 2010
El: I am feeling very Debbie Downer today.
Which may be attributed to the fact that I couldn’t sleep last night and didn’t drop off until 4ish.
Lo: Wah-wah.
(That was the Debbie Downer noise.)
El: (I know.)
Lo : Well, maybe you can just imagine me running a Vietnamese Restaurant called Pho Realz.
El: So – I was thinking about it – and I think it should be a Vietnamese / soul food restaurant.
Lo : Go on….
El: Well – um, that’s about it.
Lo: Oh. I just like saying “Go on…”
El: It makes me so nervous!!
Like I haven’t prepared properly
And here’s a bonus:
Lo: A message was just in my Spam folder that said “Fire your boss! As seen on TV with Tom Bosley!”
El: What??
Lo: Exactly. I guess someone had it out for Father Dowling and his mysteries?





A Convo With El & Lo: Sometimes We Kinda Work

9 12 2009

I! Am! Your singing telegram! BAM!

Lauren: Okay, I’m back,
and with fresh breath!
Elizabeth: I’m chewing gum!
So my breath is also fresh!
Like my rhymes!
Lauren: So true!
I need to call people about their past due accounts, but I really do not feel like it.
Elizabeth: You should start sending them singing telegrams
Lauren: Singing telegrams!
GENIUS!
Elizabeth: You know – the old “We’re In The Money” song
but with lyrics changed to “You owe us money”
Lauren: Why don’t you come here and do my job?
OR
come down here and work as my singing telegram?
Elizabeth: What’s the pay like?
Lauren: Um…
how do you feel about stale muffins and hot coffee?
Elizabeth: Pretty good
Lauren: Then you will be very rich, madame.
Elizabeth: Sweet ass
Lauren: Indeed.
Okay, now I have to go call about our money.
I’ll use your tactics and let you know how it goes.
Elizabeth: luck!
Lauren: Thanks!

[Here’s the real reason for this post.  Maaaan, Thursdays on NBC consistently make us lizz all over the place.  As Salt ‘n’ Pepa would say – Get up on this!]

Vodpod videos no longer available.





El and Lo Talk “Celebrity” Fashion for a Sec.

1 12 2009

Save it for Harry Hamlin, indeed! Thanks, celebritysmackblog.com!

Lo: Wrap your mind around THIS [you have to click the link to get the joke]:

El: ugh, I just saw that

My love for Lisa Rinna does not extend to approving of that

Someone needs to pull her aside and say, “Madam! You are no Cher!”

Lo: And also, “Madam! We do not care if you wax or are au naturale!”

And also, “Madam! We care nothing for your vag!”

El: “Madam! Save it for Harry Hamlin!”

[Which – come to think of it – is now my life motto]

Lo: [Interesting.]

El: I think, instead of telling people that they need to get the fuck over themselves, I’ll just tell them to save it for Harry Hamlin.  I will also host Chastity Balls with the same theme

Lo: YOU ARE A GENIUS.

See? Only Cher can get away with such crotchtacular ensembles!





A Convo with El & Lo: El Gives Amazing Gifts

23 11 2009

I'm not exactly sure what is going on here, but I couldn't bring myself to put up a picture of either Cheney or a potato bug. Both give me the soul shudders.

Lauren: I should have gone into sales.
All the sales reps are here and now they get to leave and go golfing for the rest of the day.
Elizabeth: And you love golfing!
Lauren: IT IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER.
NEXT TO DICK CHENEY AND POTATO BUGS.
Elizabeth: You know what’s amazing?
Lauren: The miracle of life?
Central air?
Elizabeth: I trained potato bugs to golf while wearing Cheney masks for your birthday.
YOU ARE WELCOME
Lauren: YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
Elizabeth: I KNOW





A Convo With El & Lo: Tiny Pigs Kill Our Sanity

11 11 2009
minipig

MINI. PIGS. They are smaller than a cat and a billion times more adorable.

Lauren: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218472/The-700-teacup-sized-pigs-latest-celebrity-pet.html
I NEED THESE IN MY LIFE.
Elizabeth: OH MY GOOD LORD
Lauren: I KNOW
NEED
Elizabeth: I COULD PUT IT IN MY POCKET
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: AND TAKE IT AROUND WITH ME
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: I COULD SEW A SPECIFIC TINY PIG POCKET ONTO ALL OF MY CLOTHES
Lauren: YES
Elizabeth: I COULD PUT IT IN TINY BOOTS
AND THEN LITERALLY DIE FROM THE CUTENESS
Lauren: Or carry around a teacup that has an image of you and that pig on it.
OMG TINY BOOTS
Tiny raincoats!
Elizabeth: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR
WITH TINY RAIN HATS
Lauren: YES
Elizabeth: I CANNOT HANDLE THIS
Lauren: I KNOW
Elizabeth: I’m not going to be able to get any work done now
Lauren: I KNOW
I expect one of these for my birthday.
Elizabeth: that’s cool
700 pounds is equal to what in dollars?
like $25
Lauren: Um….
I think it’s close to $1000
BUT IT IS AN INVESTMENT.
Elizabeth: oh, hmmmm
ask your parents
Lauren: In my happiness.

PIG IN BOOTS

This isn't a minipig, but OMG PIG IN BOOTS!!

[A few days later]

Elizabeth: I NEED A MINI-PIG
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
I’d get him an entire mini rain outfit
also, I think I would name him Oliver
Ollie for short
“I’d like to introduce you to Ollie, my teacup pig. He is very prepared for a rainstorm.”
Lauren: I like it.
I’d name mine Tuesday.
Elizabeth: Interesting
I like it.
Lauren: I like that name.
Elizabeth: I wonder how hard it would be to get them to talk
Lauren: Hmm.
Only one way to find out.
Elizabeth: Call a mini-pig scientist
(OMG – I’d dress my mini-pig up like a scientist)
(DR. OLIVER MINIPIG)
(“Hey, there, minipig, whatcha doin’?” “SCIENCE.”)
Lauren: (YES)
Elizabeth: I would have so many costumes for my mini-pig
Old Timey Villain
Scientist
Rain outfit
ummm
Lauren: Villian is the best. You could give him a curlicue moustache.
Elizabeth: I KNOW
Lauren: Monoploly Man
Elizabeth: and a little pinstripe suit?
YES
Robot
Astronaut
Robot Astronaut
Lauren: School marm
Elizabeth: YES
Cowardly Lion
Lauren: SCHOOL BOY
WITH KNICKERS
Elizabeth: OMGSTFU
Lauren: Old timey shop keeper
Newsie!
Elizabeth: Ha!
Marie Antoinette
Lauren: (MORE KNICKERS)
Elizabeth: with the big wig!
and fancy dress!
and drawn on moles!!
Lauren: A member of Parliament
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: A member of Parliament Funkadelic
Elizabeth: Captain Ron
Lauren: BOOTSY FUCKING COLLINS
Elizabeth: PIG PIMPIN’
Lauren: Flava Flav
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin
John Adams
Elizabeth: Admiral in Queen Victoria’s Navy
Lauren: !!!
Elizabeth: I need a mini-pig, STAT
Lauren: You really do.
As do I.
Andy Warhol.
Elizabeth: OMG – I will happily become a crazy mini-pig lady
YES
Lauren: Liza!
Elizabeth: Salvador DALI?
Lauren: More moustaches! I love it!
Elizabeth: Captain Hook?
Lauren: Yeeeeeeees…
Smee!
(no moustache, but still!)
A Frenchman!
A German beer connessiour! With leiderhosen!
Elizabeth: I’M GOING TO DIE
Lauren: A geisha girl?
Elizabeth: yes?
a NINJA
Lauren: (I’m thinking tiny kimono)
YES
A Southern debutante
From the 1800s
Elizabeth: OMG – Gone with the wind
the entire movie
Lauren: Slash
Elizabeth: in mini-pig
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
Lauren: !!!!!
With a TIIIIIIIIINY GUITAR
Truman Capote.
Elizabeth: But a GIANT rock ‘n’ roll soul
heh
Lauren: DUH
The Bumblebee Man
Elizabeth: baseball player from the 1880s
Lauren: These possibilities are almost endless.
Elizabeth: gold prospector
Lauren: A bathing beauty from the 1800s!
Elizabeth: ANYTHING FROM THE 1800S
Lauren: The Swedish chef!
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: Betsey Johnson!
Don Draper!
(I’m losing my mind)
Elizabeth: (with amazing)
Lauren: Jimi Hendrix
CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO
Elizabeth: heh
Shakespeare
Lauren: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Amerigo Vespucci
Lauren: Julias Caesar!
Sid Caesar!
Elizabeth: Caesar Chavez?
Lauren: Caesar Chavez!
Elizabeth: HAHAHAHA
Lauren: JINX
Art Garfunkel
Elizabeth: Sir Edmund Hillary
Lauren: ?
Elizabeth: um, explorer
One of the poles…South? [ed. – Mt. Everest]
Amelia Earhart
Lauren: OMG
With a tiny little flying cap and goggles
Elizabeth: YES
Lauren: Aladdin
(curlicue shoes)
Elizabeth: (perfect)
Rapunzel
Lauren: YES
Bill Gallagher
Gallagher!
(tiny watermelons!)
Elizabeth: Professor
tiny tweed jacket
and pipe!
Lauren: Hold on, I have to pee.
Too much lolz!
Elizabeth: MATADOR
BEN FRANKLIN
PILGRIM
Lauren: MATADOR!!!!
Elizabeth: I KNOW
Lauren: Old timey safari-goer.
Like Rudyard Kipling.
Elizabeth: Pith helmet!
Lauren: Monocle AND a tiiiiny rifle!
Yes!
Elizabeth: wizard
gypsie
Lauren: CHER.
CHER FROM THE HALF BREED COVER.
Elizabeth: FUCK YES
Lauren: Lady Gaga!!
Elizabeth: hahahaha

Kurt Cobain/grunge enthusiast
mini-combat boots!
Lauren: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: Johnny Rotten
Joey Ramone
ELVIS
Buddy Holly!!!!!!
Lauren: Ha, I almost said Jonny Rotten before.
Courtney Love
Mini mary janes!
Elizabeth: Elton John
Lauren: OMG
A gang member from The Warriors.
Maybe a Furie…
Tiny baseball bat!
Elizabeth: yesyesyes
Willy Wonka
(gene wilder – not johnny depp)
Lauren: My brain is melting
Elizabeth: Wayne Gretzky
MINI-SKATES
and MIN-HOCKEY STICK
Gene Simmons in full KISS gear
Elizabeth: also, mini-pig costumes?
every outfit Bert wears in Mary Poppins
Lauren: OMG YES
Elizabeth: ONE MAN BAND
CHIMNEY SWEEP
Lauren: TINY BROOMS.
TEACUP PIGS

Seriously, there are no more words.