Things I’ve Been Doing on My Summer Vacation, by Lo

This is what a got when I Googled "crunk hamburglar." There was also a picture of the Hamburglar with J.Lo's face photoshopped on to it.

Work, potty training (suuuuuuuuuuuuucks), El’s sister’s wedding (ruuuuuules), more work, begrudgingly cleaning, adding approximately 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder to my banana bread batter, baking black and white cupcakes, entertaining people at my house (well, I think I’m entertaining), drinking the never ending box of Pinot Grigio, using Slacker.com to listen to my fair share of Joy Division and Siouxsie & the Banshees (apparently I’m a manic depressive in 1982. Whatever.), making chicken and dumplings (out of my leftover roast chicken that I froze – wicked smaht!), and counting down the days when summer would finally just GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY. Seriously, I hate summertime. Now that I’m not in school, I have nothing to look forward to except a week at the beach, which is nice BECAUSE IT IS THE BEACH. Eff you, rest of summer. The clothes are not cute, I get a sunburn after 15 minutes of being in the sun, and EWSWEATGROSS. Fall and winter – opaque tights, BOOTS!, Hot Toddies, hockey, sweaters, NO SWEATING, and the fucking cold (my fave!). This year, I decided to have a very small group over to celebrate the end of mosquito season and the start of rad season. Everyone brought food and booze and it was good. But I’m about to share with you my super-duper top secret Burger Recipe. It’s pretty much the best thing ever, and if you’re a weirdo like me, you’ll love grilling these any time of year, provided your grill isn’t under a pile of snow. I highly recommend this recipe, even though I can’t tell you how much it yields, as I make the patties different sizes every time because measuring isn’t my strong point. SHADDUPUHYAFACE! I can tell you this, though: 3 lbs. of ground beef was enough to feed 8 people and have a couple left over. But here, I’ll put it for 1 lb. and you can expand it according to your needs. Hopefully that helps. Also, any time you make these, you have to tell people that they are Crunk Burgers. Dems is da rulez. Now, go forth and GRILL, grasshoppers!

Crunk Burgers

• 1 lb. ground beef
• 1 packet onion soup mix (I use Kroger brand, but you can use Lipton if you wanna get all fancy-like)
• 1-2 eggs
• 1 cup breadcrumbs or panko
• big ol’ squirt of ketchup
• splash of Worstershire, if you’re feeling….SAUCY (HAHAHAHA!!!)

1. Mix that shit up. I use my hands. You can be a dick and use your mixer, but you WILL lose street cred.
2. Make it into patties (not Pattys, or patsys)
3. Grill that shit til it’s done. The End

FINALLY: I use 1 packet of onion soup mix per pound of beef, and 1-2 eggs per pound. This is not an exact science, and you only learn by doing. Oh yeah – don’t make your patties too small, either, or else you’ll have little hamburger balls that do not fit conveniently on a bun. LISSENAME! I know what I’m saying.